Synchronicity

I am both grateful for and fearful of the approaching trial of Deputy Jacob Austin-Diaz in the death of Mescalero teen Elijah Hadley.

My gratitude is in the hope that justice will finally be served in a travesty that both enrages and haunts my community. It has taken forever to reach this point. This span of time is its own tragedy….lives on hold; grief frozen; inhumane images on continuous replay.

The fear I feel is for my exposure once again to the intense suffering of all involved in physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. I spent a lifetime in providing hospice care as a social worker, skilled in listening with strong belief in the possibility of safe passage into death. I was part of a team who witnessed suffering and deliverance repeatedly. For me, this hospice journey took its toll as it resulted in a diagnosis of PTSD…too much exposure to death and dying that removed inherent capacity. Bottom line… I have very little protective “skin” when encountering intense emotions.

Despite the avoidance that comes with PTSD, my heart has somehow committed to Elijah and Jacob’s experience on a June night in 2024. I have called for fair hearing of a deeply unfair story. I have written a lot about what I have learned and believe. I write as a tool for healing in my world of PTSD….bringing an art form to unfathomable circumstance. I know art is a spiritual endeavor.

Ironic that Elijah was an artist and Jacob was armed with the power to take life. I don’t really see this as irony….more like a synchronicity of “smack across the face” volume. I clearly am called to attend/witness this next chapter.

I believe the younger of these 2 died a warrior with enough wisdom for both had the deputy been able to listen beyond his fear. Instead, he transformed into a force of destruction.

It is so compelling to only “see” a video with our visual capacity. In my heart I know the real power of this evidence lies with the auditory…the words these 2 young men spoke to each other. Elijah told the deputy that he, Elijah, was about to die. He knew. He offered this awareness to Jacob (I believe as a mirror) in the face of the deputy’s apparent reaction and then chosen decision. Jacob threatened further unnecessary violence and he delivered it.

Art opened to extraordinary “knowing “ even in witness to an impending, personal death. Elijah was able to name it. That is spiritual power … a greater awareness that could have altered an outcome. Elijah was an artist. Jacob was not….damaged from some other source and not yet able to hear. The universe screamed.

Let this trial finally get here; let justice be served; let both men be released from a tragedy stuck in replay; let these families grieve. I pray art will keep my heart open to this passage and that Elijah will be respected in death as he was not at the end of his life. Art will be the bridge.