Lord, Have Mercy
Empaths feel things. At least I do.
Yes….there are energetic ways to protect oneself or techniques to ground rather than hold devastating feelings.
I would do well to work on strengthening an “early warning system” as I have often experienced direct hits without notice.
My ability to feel external waves of pain started early in my life. My mother, fighting a long and losing battle with cancer, was one of the beginning sources. Like any kid in an uncertain world that can threaten survival, I developed acute radar. Never knowing what might come next (usually my mom’s expression of unmanageable pain) I became extremely effective at “reading the room.” Without guidance on how to cope, I absorbed a lot of anxiety, pain, and grief.
While this ability to sense and exist in painful circumstances allowed me to excel in hospice work it took its toll. After 17 years of this work, I could do no more. Even as I had learned and used many strategies of self-care over the years an enormous amount of accumulated grief was held. I left hospice feeling I was without skin. No protection from external pain. It turned out, internal as well.
The unraveling was messy. Diagnosed with PTSD, I embarked on a long journey of healing…expression, re-experiencing, medication, EMDR, counseling, etc, etc. I realized 2 things were ever present. My soul was exhausted and my radar system, though flickering, was still present.
Living on the Oregon coast I felt the enormity of pain in the Japan tsunami. For months I actively felt the waves of terror and loss of thousands of souls being carried away. I learned new ways to transform and move energy. My own exhaustion grew.
How many times does one have to start over? I know this place of desolation and destruction as I visit once again. My will to continue is very thin.
Healing for me has been slow and with it a reckoning that this is now my reason for being. Piecing together the fragments was mostly about spiritual reconstruction and reframing. Not my former self, I double down on a commitment to “Kairos” living that taps a life force that is ever present and reliable. This is how I find a growing trust in my resilience. I remain uber-sensitive to pain and have a thin will to live. This is not about any desire to self-destruct….more about a readiness to let go in certainty that I have given my all and fulfilled my reasons for having this life.
I stretch eternity into every moment which is the cellular meaning of kairos. It is timeless and sacred. It is what comes next. I believe we are all connected and the suffering of one is the suffering of all. It is only our false constructs that create separation. Joy and pain are but flip sides of the same coin.
And I am still a conduit for global pain…
Starvation of thousands in Gaza is striking my soul.
Lord, have mercy.
